Here we are.. The weekly, 4 times monthly, 21 times a year, 210 times a decade rankings.
These are the rankings that make Ditka cry. The rankings that make silky juice drip from a rock. They are The 313 Weekly NFL Rankings.
The rankings that show no bias, no sentimental attachment or no agenda. Nothing. No east coast crap like you read on ESPN. No favouring a team for what they’ve done in 2008, when it’s 2011. The rankings will be based upon record and how the team has played as of late. If a lesser known, small market team is 4-0, they’ll be near the top. Don’t care. If a big market team is sucking the big one and is 2-7, they’ll be near the bottom. Not my fault they suck. Look at the W’s and L’s first, tell me the rest later is how we roll.
So here’s our first shot at them. We wrote a lot, so you may need to nap in between or make a God damn snack. Either way, enjoy and don’t forget to share some feedback.
1. Green Bay Packers (4-0)
With the Packers knocking off the Denver Broncos for their 10th consecutive win since week 15 of last season & Aaron Rodgers in MVP form scoring 6 total TDs, the Packers have a tight grip on the #1 ranking atop our board. Until other teams prove otherwise, the reigning Super Bowl champs will be at the top for good while, especially as they head onto the road to take on Atlanta, before going back home to Lambeau to play the Rams – both expected W’s for McCarthy’s men.
2. Detroit Lions (4-0)
Unlike other notable media outlets rankings, I’ll actually put the teams that deserve to be up the top, based on record, rather than who the team is. The Lions deserve to be ranked #2 right now after playing the right way and getting some gritty W’s, especially coming back vs. the Vikings in front of an uninviting Metrodome crowd & backing it up last week vs. the Cowboys in front of a shocked Dallas crowd. The Lions will quickly become America’s team as they have a chance to go 5-0 on Monday Night Football action vs. the rival Bears at Ford Field; a very winnable game.
3. Buffalo Bills (3-1)
How about them Bills? Buffalo is rockin’ as their Bills continue to create headlines, even though they almost came away from last week’s game 4-0 vs. the Bengals until Bengals kicker Mike Nugent put through the game-winning field goal. Don’t put them down just yet though. I don’t know what juice Chan Gailey is giving his men at half time, but it’s working. Now they have to get back up after 4 huge weeks as they go on the road and take on the Dream Team, lead by 1-3 QB Michael Vick. It’s still a test and with Fred Jackson leading the way, averaging at 5.8ypc, next week we could very well be talking about the 4-1 Bills. Wow. Who would’ve thunk it after 5 weeks?!
4. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
Oi vey. What a poo-slinging game that was vs. the Jets on Sunday Night Football. I expected Jets QB Mark Sanchez to struggle vs. the Ravens D, but not Joe Flacco. Flacco, for the night was 10/31 for 161 and 0 TD’s. The inconsistent offense you can be sure, will be working out their kinks for the next 2 weeks, as they get to have the bye this week (and not because there were viewer complaints of just horrible football being played by 2 former 1st round QBs.) The bright spot of the night was Ravens DB Lardarius Webb who snagged the ball out of the air and returned it 73 yards for a TD for what was the game-winning TD. On the night he also had 3 passes defended and 2 tackles.
5. New Orleans Saints (3-1)
You could put a few teams there at 3-1 but just quietly the Saints have managed to get to 3-1 without too much hype. They black and gold train is rolling. This week the train rolls into Charlotte to take on the division rivals and Cam Newton. Last season vs. Carolina, the Saints did what they wanted. This time around may be a tougher challenge for the former champs. However, with the versatile backfield of Darren Sproles and Mark Ingram and with tight end Jimmy Graham continuing to dominate opposing defences, the Panthers will certainly have their hands full trying to stop the supporting cast of Drew Brees, who ranks 5th in the NFL with a QB rating of 102.9; 10 TDs on the year with 4 picks in the last 2 weeks.
6. New England Patriots (3-1)
The Patriots sit here at #6 because their offense has been playing great football as of late but it is the D of New England that is the problem, as witnessed largely in the game vs. Buffalo in week 3. It wasn’t until after halftime where the Bills came out ballin’ and fucked up Brady & Co, forcing him into a field day for the Bills secondary. The Pats will be fine as long as they can tweak the D going into this weeks game vs. the Jets at Foxboro, a test that should be an easy task for the D if you’re going on the last game Jets QB Mark Sanchez played. In fact, Coach Belichick may just be tempted to put in reserves vs. the Jets offense, just to piss Rex Ryan off.
7. Houston Texans (3-1)
Wow. Right now, fantasy owners who own Texans players are on suicide watch. Stud All-Pro wideout Andre Johnson was injured in last week’s game vs. the Steelers, a huge cost despite the win. RB Ben Tate was also injured in the win, making the list of injured Texans as big as.. well, Texas. This week they face Oakland, a huge test since the Raiders won’t have to worry about the threat of Johnson, though they still have fantasy stud TE Owen Daniels. Arian Foster better be healthy if his team is to have any chance and based on last year’s numbers vs. Oakland, that could very well happen. (133 yards in 1 half of football.)
8. San Diego Chargers (3-1)
Really, you could probably put Houston here. It’s still early in the season with a log jam up in here. After 4 weeks of the season, the Chargers are winning again at 3-1. With some big games coming up – a trifecta road trip, the Chargers have a great chance to make some noise in the AFC if they can grind out some W’s. As long as QB Philip Rivers and WR Vincent Jackson keep making plays like last week vs. Kansas City on a consistent basis, things will look good for the team from A Whale’s Vagina. And keep an eye on 2nd year RB Ryan Mathews, who’s starting to get going and could break out vs. John Fox’s Denver Broncos aka The Hochuli Bowl.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)
What a game on Monday Night Football vs. the Peyton-less Colts. The Colts almost Painter-ed Raymond James Stadium a nice blue, if it weren’t for the Bucs penalties & the Bucs inconsistent play. Enter LeGarrette Blount who took the game over and scored the game-winning TD run. The Bucs are finding ways to win, whether it’s through the D-line ballin’ with Adrian Clayborn & Gerald McCoy laying the wood on QBs or Freeman putting up some purdy fantasy numbers to his receivers Arrelious Benn and the waiver wire pickup Preston Parker. The Bucs have a real good chance to move to 4-1 after this week as they take on the Niners, at Candlestick Park.
10. Washington Redskins (3-1)
Who would’ve thought the Skins would be starting the 2011 season after week 4, at .750?! Especially with Rex Grossman under centre. Kudos to head coach Mike Shanahan for getting his team to win, no matter how ugly. With W’s vs. the Giants, Cardinals and Rams & a close loss to the Cowboys (that they should’ve won), the Skins face an ever tougher challenge this week vs. the bye. The rest will do Shanny’s men a world of good, especially RB’s Tim Hightower and Ryan Torain who along with solid D are helping bring some non-political excitement back to DC.
11. New York Giants (3-1)
Losing to the Redskins in the season opener was a tough pill to swallow & may have been a sign of things to come but through some tight D from defensive coordinator Perry Fewell and some luck (how ’bout the Cruz call?) the Giants are 2nd in the NFC East after 4 weeks and are on track for a solid year. However, although the Giants are winning, the NFC East is looking like one of the weaker divisions in football this season. With Dallas failing thanks to Romo doing his thing and Philly being more of a Dreaming Team, it’s only a matter of time before Sexy Rexy screws up, which leaves Super Bowl XLII MVP Eli Manning & his Giants as the only legit threat left in the NFC East. Good times.
12. Tennessee Titans (3-1)
It was a sad, somber week for the Titans family after the passing of former Titans OC MikeHeimerdinger on Saturday. No doubt he would’ve been proud of the performance the next day, as the Titans schooled the Browns in a 31-13 win, with RB Chris Johnson finally getting going with his 1st 100 yard performance of 2011. But it’s former Hawks QB Matt Hasselbeck who’s stunning critics with another multiple TD game, 8 TDs on the year so far which is getting him some hype for a possible MVP nomination come the end of the season – a lifetime away yet. This team has a good young D, forcing Browns QB Colt McCoy to throw 61 times and keeping the Browns at 8/20 on 3rd down. With TE’s Jared Cook & Craig Stevens, WR’s Washington & Williams helping to fill the void in the absence of WR Kenny Britt, this team could end up challenging for a wildcard spot in January.
13. San Francisco 49ers (3-1)
The 49ers are gutting out wins this season. Their first two victories were against fairly mediocre teams in the Seahawks and Bengals, but people took notice when they toppled the overrated team of the Philadelphia Eagles. Sure it was a 1 point win, but the fact that they did it by coming from behind, being lead by Alex Smith and still having a fairly banged up Michael Crabtree shows this team can play the game this season.
14. Atlanta Falcons (2-2)
Well, there goes my Super Bowl winner prediction. Sure, 2-2 isn’t a bad record, but when you’re in the 1st or 2nd toughest division in the entire NFL, it’s not good. The Falcons almost blew it again last Sunday against the Seahawks, only winning by 2. Mike Smith has to find out their major problem and fix it ASAP if he want his team to still go places this season.
15. Chicago Bears (2-2)
The Bears were lucky to escape with a victory against the Panthers last Sunday. If it wasn’t for the ridiculous Offensive Pass Interference call on Jeremy Shockey, the Bears would be 1-3 right now. The Bears are, yet again, having O-Line problems, and they’re going to need to get it right for this week’s Monday Night Football game against the Lions.
16. Oakland Raiders (2-2)
Oakland are a solid team with a tough schedule. Their running game is lights out with Darren McFadden carving it up every week. But they just faced the Patriots and now they take on the red-hot Texans in Houston. Hue Jackson’s not having the best season so far, but hopefully Al Davis can see the team’s headed in the right direction.
The rest of the league..
17. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) – A surprising 2-2 team with a rookie QB under center, the Bengals take on a poor Jacksonville team this week.
18. Cleveland Browns (2-2) – Cleveland’s on the bye this week, but have been underwhelming to say the least so far.
19. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) – After being destroyed by the Ravens in week 1, the Steelers have looked disappointing thus far, with their D being a far cry from what it used to be.
20. New York Jets (2-2) – Overrated teams are overrated for a reason.
21. Dallas Cowboys (2-2) – Blowing 24 point leads never gets you in the good books.
22. Carolina Panthers (1-3) – Definitely the best 1-3 team around, the Panthers have been competitive and close in every game thus far. Reminiscent of the Lions of 2010. They’ll blow it up next year.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) – Crappy experiment is crap.
24. Seattle Seahawks (1-3) – They came close to a major upset last week, but couldn’t pull it off. They have another chance to pull a rabbit out of the hat against the Giants this week.
25. Arizona Cardinals (1-3) – When your starting CB’s have next to no NFL experience, bad things are bound to happen.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) – They should’ve kept David Garrard.
27. Denver Broncos (1-3) They got walloped by the Packers last week and take on the Chargers this week. Good luck with that.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) – I can’t believe the Chiefs won a game, 0-16 looked destined at one point. Not that the team they beat were good (Vikings).
29. Indianapolis Colts (0-4) – The Colts looked competitive against the Buccaneers on MNF, so hopefully they can get a win this week against KC.
30. Miami Dolphins (0-4) – The Dolphins are the favourites for Luck now with Henne out for the year. Tough luck for Henne. First his season, then his job. Yikes.
31. St. Louis Rams (0-4) – Ya see, wha, wha, what happened was…Yeah, we don’t know, and neither does Spagnuolo. Back to the top 5 of picking for them.
32. Minnesota Vikings (0-4) – I can’t believe they lost to the Chiefs. Pathetic team; put Ponder in already.
Intro, Teams 1-12 by Mackk
Teams 13-32 by AD (As you can tell)